Writing this post was like giving out a piece of my insides so I thought it deserved to be posted one more time. I would love to hear a response from you on the question, “Why can’t I love me?”
I am getting so many wonderful responses to my request for you to tell me a story from your life of one special thing that was a changing point or maybe you felt it changed your destiny. They have pivoted around encounters with their spiritual side, or a particular person that helped them in some way that changed their perception of life or of themselves. I am still processing and thinking and hoping that even more come in so I decided to take this one step farther. Getting naked in front of a room full of strangers is not an easy thing to do and sharing some of the things you have shared was totally baring yourself to me, now it’s my turn.
I think what I want to know about you is this, and there was one person that hit it and brought tears to my eyes in that there were two people in her life that made her feel special when she didn’t find anything special within herself and then more importantly gave her the confidence in herself that made her feel that she could do anything, be anything, become whatever she wanted to be. I would love to have been that person.
I told you that a statement came out of me that stopped my prayer and I don’t think I intended to share it, not this soon anyway, but I did share it with a friend this morning so I’m thinking, “Why not?”
I was listening to a piece of music that brought some memories to the forefront of my mind and I began thanking God for helping me, for loving me…I thanked Him for loving me and as I was driving East on the East-West Connector I asked the question, “Why can’t I love me?”
It was something I had never thought of before, not seriously anyway. I know I have self-esteem issues that I have blamed on the time when I was young that I was bullied at school. It was an experience that lasted for two years and I think I never really got the inner healing that I needed so that I could just get over it. Until just recent years when I started my Facebook page and began to make friends from the very place where it all happened and even members of this persons family are now on my friend list, did I make the decision to forgive, realizing that the guilty party had no memory of anything that happened so long ago…they thought we were friends.
So why have I held onto it for so long when their life went on without remembering how I was thrown onto a gravel play-yard and called horrible names while people that were afraid of the bully stood by and were afraid to openly be my friend. I think it was then that I started my crusade to take up for the under-dog, to friend the friendless, to take up causes that seemed hopeless. That sounds honorable doesn’t it? But looking at it I don’t think I have been honorable at all, I think I was trying to make that person love, or at least like, me in retrospect. I tried to earn friendships, to buy favor, to be one person that someone could count on to take up for them if they were ever caught in a situation such as I was.
One day I picked my son up from middle school and was going to go into the grocery store to pick up a few items. As I pulled into the parking lot of the local Publix I saw a circle of boys and in the middle one boy who was smaller if not younger than the boys that stood around him. They were taking turns hitting him hard with their loaded book bags…suddenly I was the little girl in the middle of a similar circle and I couldn’t take it! I put my foot on the gas of the big silver Mercedes and it roared across the parking lot towards them, as I drove I put my hand on the horn and let it blow as I drove and I didn’t stop until I got right upon those thirteen-year-old boys that were beating their captive and they turned around and looked for all the world as if every one of them needed a change of underwear! I threw open the door and got out screaming at them like a Highlander running into battle and they scattered leaving a very white-faced boy standing alone.
When I saw him I realized that I knew him! His grandmother had been a part of my Friday night prayer meeting for years and my dad had united the boys parents in marriage! I put him in my car and took him home.
Thankfully that story had a happy ending, but there have been times I stepped in when I should not have, taken people into my heart that I should have left alone, tried to be the “saving angel” to those who only had in mind to use my generosity of self and of finances. I feel embarrassed at the times I went out of my way to earn the love of people who didn’t have room for me in their heart. It brings to mind a time when in trying to “be all that I could be” I took on the project of trying to make myself special in the eyes of persons that had ignored me and put me aside when I was younger. I baked goodies, made special strawberry pies from the recipe someone confiscated from Shoney’s for me, made Armenian pastry and all of these things would be delivered to their homes. When I realized that it made no difference, that I was just working and spending good money to do things that I was never, ever going to receive thanks or the reward of their attention from them, I quit.
The problem in that was that it began to make me bitter and not particularly at the people who did it to me, but at myself for being such a blithering idiot for not feeling good enough to be liked just for me.
Let me ask you the question, do you love yourself enough to stand up for what you need and what you believe? Please feel free to answer me I want to know!
Romans 8:39 None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
OK I am now robed in righteousness, and I thank my God for His covering!