Lyrics from a song way in the past began to circulate in the recesses of my brain until it came to the front so I searched Google for it and read the words. So much has happened in the past 7 months since my mother passed and I have needed time to reflect on the changes in my life, the words of this song made me do just that, it begins: “I can’t count the times, because of me your heart’s been broken and I have seen you hurt because of angry words I’ve spoken But somehow you always knew when I hurt you I never meant to, We keep rising above it all like the sun on wings of morning and the hurt can’t make us fall We keep rising above it all.”
Looking back over the past few months I wonder if there is something, any thing that I need to make right. Sometimes my mouth runs off while my brain gets constipated and says things that “would have been better left unsaid” but maybe we are all guilty of that one.
How have I disappointed myself? All the promises I made to me, getting in better shape, getting more organized, being prepared for things in advance instead of waiting till the last moment, getting more sleep, taking better care of me, as I do for others in my life. If I have disappointed me, what must God think of me?
I have let Him down in so many ways, my attitude gets in my way, hurts I have suffered are allowed to simmer and boil, knowing that if I indulge in the feeling I will be like the thirsting man who goes to the pond knowing it is poisoned, but taking great drafts of it to quench his thirst. In yielding to the temptation of drinking this bitter cup, it is drinking the poison and expecting our enemies to die, it doesn’t happen, we only harm ourselves.
There are questions I can’t answer for myself much less for you, I can’t answer why you can’t make a certain person love you, or why you feel your parent rejected you and your choice of lifestyle. I get a lot of questions concerning parents, siblings, as well as a lover and while I am happy to help if I can and pray for you sometimes it is just a no answer zone. People have a will of their own because God made us that way, that’s what got us into trouble in the first place. Eve had the free choice to eat of the fruit or leave it alone. I have often stated that I wanted to find Eve and blame her for all my ills, but alas, I find that I am Eve, partaking of things that I know will bring me down, and yet expecting all to be well. Brings us back around to judging, doesn’t it?
So as I look forward to the second half of this year, instead of making ourselves and God lofty promises, setting ourselves up for defeat, which takes us down the fork in the road we need to stay away from, let’s be realistic. What can we do to make things better for ourselves, and those around us? Before I can put new groceries in my Fridge, I have to get all the old things out and it is the same with our soul and spirit.
No amount of wishing can turn back the clock so that we can change one thing we have done, said or thought, it is time to look inward and then upward and say, Psalm 139:23-24 Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—then guide me on the road to eternal life.