Looking inside of myself

Have you ever looked at an MRI of your head? Four years ago today I looked at mine and it was gruesome. I was looking at a skull with a neck that is in trauma, according to the doctor, and he wanted to know what was my “level of pain”. I told him, “I wouldn’t know anything was wrong if you weren’t showing it to me! I am not in any pain!” I looked at the negative of my own head and tried to see if I could see the inner turmoil and trauma that I have faced in my life, I couldn’t see it; then I looked for times of joy and laughter, pictures of my children and past loves, none to be seen. No poems, scripture or novels, no special needs or wants; all I saw was gray matter, inside a bony structure, it was a little strange. Where is all of that stored? Is it in the heart? My heart showed no signs of anything but beating on a semi-regular basis, but beating it was. No scars from being broken, it wasn’t flat from having it pulled out of my chest and stomped flat, in times past, just a beating muscle carrying blood to all my body parts.

Psalm 139:13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”

As I stood there trying to see “inside” myself, I realize that God knows it all. Psalm 26:2 Examine me, God, from head to foot, order your battery of tests. Make sure I’m fit inside and out. Jeremiah17:9 The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” 

God created you and knows all your pain, mental distress, heartbreaks and heartaches, all the thoughts of your heart and all the things that don’t show up on an MRI, or in an X-ray and best of all, He can fix it without surgery! Ezekiel 11:9 I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.” 1Samuel 16:7 God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.” When I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I will know that God sees into me, and loves me just the way I am.

2 Replies to “Looking inside of myself”

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